both ends of the bench

My little guy is turning 11 on Saturday!  I can't believe it...he's growing up so fast.  I'm enjoying these sweet days where he still loves to snuggle on the coach and listen as I read The Hobbit to him.  { Side note:  What a great book it is!  I never read it growing up.  I think I was in some 'experimental' literature class in high school because we skipped all of the classics.  I've had to read Jane Eyre, Emma, To Kill a Mockingbird, and so many others all on my own.  The only book I remember reading in high school that qualifies as a classic was The Scarlet Letter.  Not sure what happened there.}  So, I am really enjoying reading Tolkien's adventure to my son.  While I read, he draws.  It's hard to keep my focus, because he is so good at drawing, I want to look up and watch him draw which makes reading tricky!

(here's on of his drawings...it is the lonely mountain and Smaug) 

He's playing on two basketball teams and on one team, he is the 'big' guy.  When they line up the kids to see who they are going to guard, everyone moves away from Jammer (that's his nick-name), because he's so tall.   Parents of kids on the other team seem to question his age....(they really shouldn't question things so loudly...hello, I'm sitting right there!)

 But on his other team (the one his dad coaches) he's one of the little guys.  He's one of the youngest and it is obvious when he's out on the floor with the other guys.  I'm so thankful that he gets to experience both sides of the coin.  It helps build confidence and keeps him grounded all within a couple of days.  He likes both teams, loves both coaches and seems to genuinely enjoy being on both ends of the bench.

(here he is 'guarding' an opponent..with much trepidation!)

 Isn't that just like life?  In certain situations you find yourself as top dog and then you walk into another room and you're wondering whether or not you'll be able to manage.  I know I've got areas where I feel like the 'big guy'.  I have confidence and feel secure, and then there other places where I am definitely 'outplayed'.  It's those areas that keep me leaning on the Lord and looking to Him. I'm learning to give my successes to God as praise and with thanksgiving and to not shy away from them....because right around the corner, I find myself on my knees asking for courage and wisdom and direction.  Just like my guy and his two basketball teams.   I just wish I enjoyed both ends of the bench as much as he seems to!

(showing off his knee guard....it's cool to have extra gear!)

journaling

 I love the idea of journaling, but I struggle with the consistency of it.  My problem lies in the fact that I want to record too much.  I will start off strong for a while journaling pages every day and then I just can't keep up with it.  I burn myself out and then I quit, only to start up again.  Well, I found a journal that seems to be helping me stay consistent.

I purchased this journal from paper coterie about a month ago.  It's one that you customize yourself.  You drop your photos in and add quotes and sentiments that just speak to your heart.   It's pretty and personal.

It has about 5 lines set aside for each day for journaling or listing.  It's been tricky trying to condense my thoughts into 5 lines, but what I've found is that because I'm being less wordy...I've actually stuck with it!

Yeah for consistency!! I'm still figuring out what exactly to record each day, but I'm learning.  For example, I don't need to write that we did school each day...that's a given, but I do want to remember the triple that my boy hit in the baseball game or the fun that the girls and I had shopping for clothes!

I use these fun colorful pens and it's like I'm recording a rainbow.  One of my kids opened the journal up the other day and you could hear the ohhs and ahhhs.  Gotta love that!  And that pencil pouch that I made for the girls and I this fall is perfect for holding all my pens!   So, do you journal?  How do you make it work for you?

today I'm....

*struggling with trust.  grabbing hard to the truth that in the midst of what I would call a mess God is working and redeeming.  He is stretching me and calling me to trust Him.

*wanting to see some changes and some glimmers of hope but knowing that if they don't come, if I can't see evidence of change.....that God is faithful.  God is trustworthy.  God is still in control.

*not understanding those that say 'faith in God is a crutch'....crutches are temporary.  Crutches take the weight off...but this walk of faith, it's a hard thing.  It takes all of me, every day.  I am engaged in the pursuit of Him.  I'm  continually learning to listen and wait and hear, to step aside and let Him reign.

That's where the struggle lies...allowing Him to be Lord and giving my agenda and my desires over to Him.  In knowing that if nothing changes, that all is well.  He is my source of strength.  He is my mighty tower, my strong fortress.  I'm spending time today reflecting on the Word that says "He is your constant source of stability."  Isaiah 33:6 (NET)  So thankful for that!

*hoping you know that He is more than enough.  "He is your constant source of stability."  "Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken, nor my covenant of peace be removed, says the LORD, who has compassion on you."  Isaiah 54:10

lessons in grace

Thanks to everyone for their messages of love and sympathy.  They truly meant so much to me.  I've saved them and printed them off to go with all the sweet sentiments that came our way over the last couple of weeks.  The service that we had for Baba (that's what we all called my grandmother) was just wonderful.  It truly was a celebration of her life.  We laughed and cried our way through it all.  This is the first significant death in my life and I have learned so much.

Lesson one:
Cards really do mean so much!
Every card we received really meant so much to me....I will never under estimate the power of lovingly sent sympathy card again.  (and I'll be much better at sending them to others when I hear of their loss)

Lesson two:
Grief makes you tired.
Getting a good night's sleep in the midst of our planning was so important.  I had no idea how tiring grief really is.

Lesson three:
The scriptures really are a balm of healing.
Reading over God's word and reflecting on His promises has proven very powerful over the last couple of weeks.  Some of my favorite scriptures have been:  Psalm 30:4-5, Revelation 14:13, Psalm 62:1-2
and Lamentations 3:22-25

Lesson four:
Death is hard...it doesn't matter the age at which someone passes.
My Baba was 93 and while we knew she wouldn't be with us forever, when she passed it was still hard.  I think we were all expecting to be able to gather and hold her hand and be with her as she passed.

Lesson five:
Everyone needs to grieve in their own way.
Each one of us handled/is handling the loss of Baba differently.  No one way is the right way or the wrong way.  My little guy cried hard the first couple of nights...he didn't cry during the service because he told me "I got it all out in the beginning, Mom"

Lesson six:
Being supportive is powerful and it really does make a difference.
We had friends that came to the viewing just because they loved us...I wasn't expecting this and it was so wonderful.  We also had friends calling and checking in on us throughout the week....that made a world of difference.

I've been thinking about all of these things and more over the last couple of weeks and I realize in addition to these lesson that I've learned more about grace as well.  I've been shown such amazing grace in the form of friends and family who have loved and prayed and cared for us.  God has been so gracious to us during this time.  I've also learned to extend grace to those who haven't lost anyone significant in their lives and therefore don't understand the sadness that was so tangible to us.  (I'm sure I've been one of those people to someone else at some time in the past.)  These past couple of weeks have been hard...but good.

 All the photos were taken on our vacation...We were on our last day of vacation when we learned of Baba's passing.  That night we went down to the beach and flew kites "up to heaven" as a special way to remember her.   It was an amazing night. Kite flying will always be special to us from now on.

I'll be back very soon with some happier things to share....just needed to get these thoughts out of my head and onto "paper".

whatcha thinkin about?

I had a hard time sleeping last night.  I just couldn't shut my mind off.  It's easy to get caught thinking about things that just don't do me any good.  Anyone got some worry?  fear?  uncertainty?  indecision?  If so, you know what I'm talking about.  Later  I was reminded that what I think about can change my day. or my week, or my life.  "Will I meditate on His Word or my worries?"   Ann Voskamp from Holy Experience posted about the importance of memorizing scripture.  She has a yearly memorization plan set up for memorizing the Sermon on the Mount from Matthew in 2012.  (Matthew 5, 6 & 7 - 2-3 verses a week)

Last year I committed the book of Colossians to memory by following her dated plan.  I carried my little memorization booklet with me just about everywhere I went.  Some weeks I doubled up, some weeks I played catch up.  As my memory book became stained, so did my heart....God used His word to do some amazing things.

* Colossians became my book....whenever I would hear a reference from Colossians or read a verse from Colossians, I was like..."hey that's my verse, I know that verse!" When you wrestle with something long enough, it becomes yours.

* I  grasped those committed verses in a more meaningful way because I had to learn them...and remember them, so I tied them into previous verses and thought about what they meant and somewhere along the way they got deep into my heart and anchored themselves there.

*I found myself less focused on my stuff and more focused on the Word.  Heck, I had to be in order to get it memorized.  And that was good, because God's word is so much better than my stuff...my worries...my off target wanderings.

* Scriptures from other passages seemed more familiar and tied together more easily after I'd connect them with something I'd learned in Colossians.  God's word really is amazingly intertwined and affirming.

...so I'm really excited to be committing another year to learning another section of scripture.  I know it's going to be hard....the good things always are.  But I know the beauty that comes from having the Word hidden in my heart and I'm ready to get some new thinking embroidered into this heart of mine....

...just a couple of weeks without memory detail has shown me how easily I can get caught thinking about things that do me no good at all.  So, whatcha thinking about?  Feel free to join me (and many others) as we commit God's Word to our thoughts, our hearts and our lives....you won't regret it!

to read more about the plan and the making of the booklet click here.

*** don't feel like it's too late to start...join in any time.  I'm starting a couple of weeks behind, but that's OK...you're never behind when you're committing His word to your heart.

from strength to strength

Sipping my morning coffee and reading the Word, I came across Psalm 84: 

"Blessed are those whose strength is in You, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.  As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools.  They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion."  (v. 4-6)

As I read the phrase "they go from strength to strength" I found myself praying...."Lord, help me to journey through life from strength to strength.   I sometimes feel as though I'm going from crisis to crisis or prayer need to prayer need." 

You know what I mean?  It seems like certain stretches of road have me going from drama to drama (maybe that's because I have teenagers) or concern to concern. Don't get me wrong.  I count my blessings every day and I know my cup runs over with abundance, but when I hit those places in the road where things are tough I find myself wanting the gentler road...the one without all the mud and all the mess.     That's when I long for the pretty path with flowers and paved roads. 

And then I quietly heard in my heart the Lord whisper to my spirit, "It's not your strength that you go from, it's Mine.  In those times of crisis or trouble or drama, it's My strength that you land on and take off from."  That Valley of Baca is a reference to a place of tears.  As I walk through the places that make me cry (and I will walk through those place...we all do), I find comfort and refreshment in Him.  He is the source of my strength. 

See, I was backwards in my thinking.  (again) What I was really wanting was 'cake walk' to 'cake walk', but I know enough to know that during those hard times, that it has been His strength that I've encountered and that has supported  me and held me up.   It's particularly during the hard times that I find myself leaning in to Him.  It's His strength that gets me through one trial and onward in my journey.  If I didn't have to pass through those Valleys of Tears, I wouldn't know His strength the way I do.  I'm so blessed.  I have been all along.   He reminded me that I have been walking from strength to strength.....not mine.  His.

In the end, it doesn't matter what condition the road is that I find myself traveling on...

just that I am found traveling in Him.  I've set my heart on pilgrimage and I'm so thankful that He supplies His strength for each mile of the journey.  

focus

I've been wearing reading glasses since I was in college.  It's been no big deal...I put them on when I'm reading or stitching...or when my eyes would feel tired.  But lately, I noticed that I was putting them on more often and leaving them on longer.  So when Mckenzie needed her eyes checked, I thought it would be a good time for me to go in as well.  (it'd been 5 years since I'd seen my eye doctor).  Well, he nicely informed me that I'd hit that stage of life when lenses dry out and eyes become less elastic and he went on about my prescription needs having changed...really it was all downhill from there.  So I got these new glasses.

 They are progressives.  They have a section for distance vision, a section for reading and a middle section for the in between stuff (like computer work and dashboards).  They are not like my reading glasses.  I am getting adjusted to how they work and where I need to look to see whatever it is I'm trying to see.  I'm learning where to focus and it's been tricky.  I've been feeling a bit off balance.

  It's all gotten me thinking though that this adjustment process with my progressive lenses is a lot like life. I'm in a season of my life (aside from my eye glasses) where I'm adjusting my focus.  Life is full of opportunities for me to readjust my focus.  (new roles, changing seasons, kids growing, forgiving wrongs, trusting more, worrying less, letting go of wrong assumptions....I'd better stop while I'm ahead) But no matter what the area, I need to be patient with the process.  Just as it's going to take time to get adjusted to these new lenses, when I'm in a refocusing season of my life, I need to be patient with the process.  It takes time to readjust your focus.  When you're used to looking at something a certain way, it requires purposefulness to redirect your gaze.  It takes time to know where to look for what.  I might feel off balance from time to time, but I know Who my anchor is.  As long as I keep my eyes on Him, I can sharpen my focus.  "I have set the LORD always before me.  Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken."  Psalm 15:8. 

embrace life

Summer is here!  I've been wanting to make a summer list; you know things that need to get done, things we want to do for fun and just some extra special things.  Thinking through what should go on that list can be overwhelming to me, but while I was reading and doing my quiet time this morning, I found the perfect summer (really all year) list already composed. 

"Whoever wants to embrace life

and see the day fill up with good,

Here's what you do.

Say nothing evil or hurtful;

Snub evil and cultivate good;

Run after peace for all you're worth.

God looks on all this with approval..."  1 Peter 3:10-12 (The Message)

That was just what I needed to get my mind wrapped around what I really want for our summer.  So friends, I hope that you'll join me this summer embracing life and filling up your days with good.  Happy Summer!

setting aside smallness

This morning, I was praying for a friend and wondering how to handle a situation that might not even be a situation.... Usually when something like this happens I revert into protection mode. Assuming that there's something wrong, I start thinking through my options to keep my heart from being wounded.  I've noticed that self protection is never 'other people' minded.  So, as I was sifting through these thoughts, I came upon this quote in my morning reading:

"Whenever we treat another out of Christ's greatness and not our smallness; we free them."  Goebel

I realized that my self protective stance was small and petty and binding.  I desire to pour blessings on those in my life.  Obviously in order to do that, I need the greatness of Christ, because my human tendency is to be small and shielded.  When I treat others out of my smallness, I keep them (and myself) bound by whatever it is that stirred up that self protection instinct.  But, when I trust in the greatness of the Lord and allow his grace and mercy and unfailing love to pour through me, freedom is the result.  So, I'm determining to set aside my smallness and to settle into His greatness....I know there is more than enough to go around. 

"And they will live securely, for then His greatness will reach to the ends of the earth.  And He will be their peace."  Micah 5:4

along the way

Have you ever walked through a season littered with lessons?  I'm there.  right now.  Sometimes the lessons are delightful and I relish the new things I'm learning and other times I'd really rather look away than deal with the reality that is my ugly heart.  I've been deliberately crawling through this winter headed into what will inevitably become spring and I anxiously await for the new growth to show up on the trees and in my life.
Along the way I've been learning:

~to open my hands to whatever God gives...

~that I want to live fully not empty

~the height of my joy is found in the depth of my thanks

~hurry always empties a soul

~my hope is not in a calm, perfectly planned schedule-my hope is in Christ

~life is dessert and I need to savor it - life is not an emergency

Many of the lessons I've been learning have correlated perfectly to the reading that I've been doing as I work my way through Ann Voskamp's book,  one thousand gifts.  I'm so thankful for her insights and her honesty...If you have some time for cultivating new growth in your life I highly recommend her book. 

I'm so thankful for seasons of learning and new growth...even when the lessons come hard.  How about you....What are you learning right now in your life? 

with eyes to the east

I'm so very thankful that His mercies are new every day.  I'm grateful for a brand new day....a new start and a new supply of grace.     

"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:21-23

May your day be encouraged by knowing that He is faithful and His mercies are fresh for the picking every morning. 

amidst the hustle and bustle

The end of November and the beginning of December seem to be just going by at the speed of light.  It's been a flurry of activity here at our house.  From basketball games to holiday preparations, our days have been full.  When I look at the calendar I can't believe how close it is to Christmas.  I want to slam on the breaks and slow things down, but I know that realistically that can't happen. 

I was reading in my quiet time this morning about the importance of tending to the inner fire - of making sure that the important doesn't get lost in the urgent.  This is a season of 'preparing Him room'.   This is the season of 'Immanuel, God with us'.  But sadly for me, too many days go by where I've 'prepared my room and asked God to keep up with me'.  Christmas will come and go and I don't want to have missed tending to the most important things.  I don't want to be the innkeeper with the inn that's too full to allow the Messiah residence. 

 "To prepare Him room is to make time to enter the stillness, to embrace the quiet, to listen for that 'still, small voice'."*  I'm purposing to set aside some time each day to be still.  To reflect and listen and pour over that which really matters.  I want to intentionally seek the Messiah during this season just as the wise men did long ago.  My quiet time each day will be those moments when the activity stills and I turn my heart and focus on the greatest Gift that was given. 

 I encourage you to find time each day to tend the inner fire as well, so that when this holiday season is over you and I won't have spent our earnings on trinkets and baubles, but on eternal treasures that carry into the next year..

"For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given;

and the government will be upon His shoulder. 

His name will be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God,

 Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."  Isaiah 9:6

*Christ, the Light of the World - A Devotional by Thomas Kinkade 

the gift of the present

  As I was coming home from the mall the other day, I made a phone call to a friend and she teased me about being at the mall in the middle of the day....the thing is, I squeezed in the mall trip in order to get my mom's birthday gift and some favors for the dinner we were having for her birthday (which was the next day).  I commented that it would be nice to have the cushion of time...so that I'm not running around the day before the event, trying to pull things together.  But, that's not the season that I'm in at this time. 

 Right now, I'm:

* working at being a present and attentive wife (you can't take a vacation from your marriage...ever)
* running a household of 5 (6 if you count my mother in law who lives with us)
* home schooling 3 kids (high school, middle school, elementary school)
* teaching every week in a co-op class
* helping with administration for a home school basketball ministry
* making time for friends and family (relationships take time and nurturing in order to grow)
* exercising regularly (heck, I'm 42...I've gotta do something or it all goes south!)
* probably some others...but my mind is too jumbled to think of them

So, my husband gently pointed out that I was spending too much of my time complaining about the busyness.  And that rather than complaining about the busy-ness and the lack of time, I needed to refocus and be thankful for the fullness and the overflowing of all that's in my life. 

Then on Friday, I sat at dinner with one of my mom's friends who had lost her husband of many years to cancer.  He'd battled cancer for 12 years.  (I'm sure our sitting together was one of those Divine Appointments.)  She is a widow now and rather than cry about how lonely she was, she told me that she's enjoying this season of her life.  Of course, she would rather have her husband with her...but she's able to focus on the blessings that are around her. 

For example, she was having 6 orphans from Africa to spend the night at her house while they were here touring with a choir.  Her husband wouldn't have really encouraged that and so now that she's alone she can open up her home in ways that she couldn't when they were a couple and she needed to think of his feelings and desires. 

 She said, that when she was a mother raising her 5 kids, she couldn't imagine how she'd survive when her kids went off to school and careers.  So, she asked the Lord to help her to enjoy each season that He placed her in.  She didn't want to miss the blessings of the present over fears of the future or wistfulness over the past. 

 She said, that He'd done just that....He allowed her the gift of enjoying the right now.  When she prayed that prayer, I'm not sure she had any idea of what the future held.  But of course, none of us have any idea of what our futures hold.  What a blessing it was to talk to her and be encouraged to enjoy the here and now.  So, currently I am honing my focus in on all that I have and all the blessings in my life.  I'm sure I'll need to readjust it from time to time (in all honesty), but I'm thankful to the Lord sending me people who can speak truth into this season of my life...I don't want to miss a minute of the joy because we all know how fast the seasons fly. 

{all the photos are from a special afternoon that John Samuel and I spent together at a local park}